It's Been Awhile

It doesn't really seem like it's been almost, what, four months since I've blogged here? In a sense it's not a long time, but in another sense it's a very long time! My life has changed so drastically since the last time I've blogged, it's unreal.

I am still, however, just as confused as I was four months ago, six months ago, ten months ago, whatever! It's like I'm in this permanent state of confusion, because it seems that I just don't have a clue what I want. I mean I know I want HAPPINESS, if nothing else, but how exactly to obtain that happiness has became quite the mystery for me. I am constantly finding myself re-evaluating every single thing I do, thought I have, step I take, anything. I'm so afraid of not making the right choices that I stress myself out over it. I do know that, at any given time, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for myself and my son, but I still worry too much. It's hard because sometimes it feels like I have no one to believe in me, and I wonder when that happened. I realize that I have several, several amazing friends, and I don't have a clue where I would be without them. Every single one of them has so much significance on different areas of my life, it's unreal.

I'm learning that it's the small things that matter most in life. I'm trying very, very hard to change the type of person I am. Not for anybody, but me. I personally feel that I'm a completely different person than I was, even, six months ago. I always try to put others first, to have more patience, and to respect differences in opinions. I'm a very strong believer in Karma, and continually try to do good for the ones I love, even if I don't have the resources to do so.

One thing that I struggle to find a good balance with is my sense of humor I guess you could say. My outlook on things, and the way I handle situations in general. I love to pick on people who I care about, it's one of the strongest signs of affection I have. I always try to joke and have fun, but I never, EVER say anything with intentions of hurting someone. It's really hard for me when someone tells me I've hurt someone else's feelings by making jokes or anything along those lines. It makes me think that sometimes I take things too far, though I never mean to. And sometimes I wonder if I hurt them because of what I said, or if maybe they were just having an emotional day like I sometimes have. Because believe me, when my emotions are out of whack, I can't take a joke to save my life. All of this makes it hard for me to figure out what's crossing the line, because the line never seems to be the same.

I feel like I've done more growing up in just the past few weeks of my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm making ALL the right choices for the best interest of my son. I'm doing what I can to pursue a CAREER, instead of just a job. I'm working hard and doing whatever it takes to make sure he is always happy and slowly to get us in our own place. This, in itself, is scary because I've never lived alone, well, without someone older than a toddler, and the nights are going to be... ugh. All of that aside, the harder I work for it, the more someone very close to me bashes everything I feel proud of right down. It's so hard to stay positive and confident right now. I feel like I've been so strong for so long, through everything I've been through, but I'm so close to being on the verge of breaking, it's scary. I can feel it. I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent it, but sometimes it just seems unobtainable.

I also wonder if I will ever find someone who I feel like is my match, who is here for me. I am not in any way saying I want to rush into any kind of relationship. Being single for the first time in over four years is something I plan to let marinate for a bit longer. But I look around me and see so many happy couples, just, a happiness and love so strong it makes me unbelievably envious. In the back of my mind I tell myself that I might have it some day, just maybe. But I've never felt it, I don't even know what it would be like. I've loved, and I loved VERY deeply, but never an over the top type thing. Never the type of thing I see around me every single day. And people tell me all the time, "Oh, you'll meet him". But what if I don't?! WHAT IF I DON'T. Because I also see people everyday who haven't met their someone special. People who are forty, fifty years old and still hoping. And I just really... am so afraid that will be me.

I really try not to focus on the negatives in my life, but sometimes they just come at me so strong, it's overwhelming. I know I'll be "ok". But you know, for once, I just really want better than "ok".