Ehhh

Soooo I started this blog a long time ago because I could blog from my cell phone, and it took care of that internet fix I needed.

Then I liked it because no one really read it and I could say more here than I could on myspace.

But now I have a new blog, where I blog anonymously, and I can say WHATEVER I WANT.

And I love it.

Sooo... I won't post much here anymore! :)

Need Batteries!!

It's almost Halloween!! I've very excited, primarily for my son, he is like, extatic!! I've always really loved Halloween, though I haven't been much into it this year only because I just really haven't had the time. He gets so excited over every Halloween decoration or pumpkin or anything he sees, it's great. We still haven't bought pumpkins, and we need to, I've just been busy. I can't wait to carve them with him though, he'll totally dig it. He's dressing up as Curious George and he's so excited. I can't wait to take him Trick-or-Treating.

I'm currently very happy with my relationships.. though I'm still very confused and will probably remain that way for a long, long time, I've at least decided to be happy. I realize that the things that tend to bother me are so unbelievably pointless. Everything that I tend to take the wrong way was by all means not meant the wrong way. Soooo basically I don't know if I just have a little bit more growing up to do or what, but things are just different and I am still grasping them.

I'm really, really, REALLY sick of not being able to do laundry at my own house, but after last week I seriously might not EVER attempt it again.

Ummm so yeah that's it for now, I have to go get my youngin!! :)

Splish Splash

I can't quite figure out much about relationships right now. I can't figure out if I just expect too much or what the hell is going on. I don't know if I'm like unknowingly comparing everything to past relationships... or what. It's so frustrating because I don't want to cross any lines or come across to strong or whatever, but damnit, I just need... MORE. Is it bad that I'm only 23 and I've already given up on men?? I mean I definitely know there are some good ones out there, even great ones maybe, but I'm pretty sure they're all taken. I just don't think I'll find the right one because I just don't really believe he even exists. Part of me thinks that you have to create the right one, that you have to find a decent one and then mold him into someone you can be happy with and who makes you happy in return. I don't really expect too much for someone to come along like, all perfect and what not. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if there really is such a thing as a soulmate, and even if there is, how the hell do you know when you've found him?? It's just so frustrating to me. I'm not afraid to be alone or anything like that, but I guess I'm starting to realize that I just don't prefer it. And right now I'm technically not alone, but sometimes it just feels like it. I apparently have completely different views on things than other people do? Part of me feels like I just need to get over it and stop like bitching and complaining, which is really easier said than done... but I'm definitely working on it.

So. I moved into my place about two months ago or something, and a friend of mine helped me. He's really turned out to be someone I can count on way more than I ever expected, and always has good intentions, though sometimes he just... screws up a lot. He hooked my washer up for me when he was helping me move, and I haven't even used it since.

Until tonight.

When I realized that the hose wasn't connected to the back of the washer thanks to the small lake that was occuping my kitchen floor. It was AWFUL. I mean a whole entire washer full of water... all standing about two inches deep in my kitchen floor. My toddler, now thinking it's like Christmas because of the new pool, is having a blast but continually slipping and falling and hurting himself. I came pretty close to a breakdown. But hell, I've been meaning to mop anyway, eh??

And speaking of my toddler, he is AMAZING. The things he says and does absolutely blow my mind. I can't even describe it. I by all means never want to be that parent that is so sure that their child is smarter than any other child, but I definitely know he's smarter than the average bear. He can spell his name.. he's TWO. And not like, late in his second year, but just turned two in August. He remembers more than I do, asks me the craziest questions, and figures out everything that I never would have thought he could. I'm extremely thankful for him, even when he's turned into Mr. Attitude and won't say a single nice word.

So yeah...

My texting soul needs a new phone.

Who Are You To Talk?!

Ugh. I don't get it. Why would you want to bring someone down?? I try so fucking hard, all the damn time. It gets so old after a while, ya know? I mean give me a fucking break. I'm a single mom, and I do this shit all on my own. I don't get ANYTHING from my baby daddy, nothing. I do it all for my son. So why in the hell would someone tell me they can take better care of him than me?? NOBODY can take better care of him than me. I work my ass off for him. I buy every diaper, every meal, every bit of winter clothing, I buy it all. I buy the cool toys he wants and the halloween costume he wants and I work fifty fucking hours a week to do it. But that doesn't seem to count for shit to anybody, does it? Ugh this is just so frustrating, coming from anyone else it wouldn't even phase me nearly as much but coming from one person in particular it's entirely too harsh. I KNOW that my son would rather be with me than anyone else. I would rather be with him than anyone else but what the hell am I not supposed to work and do what I can to make sure he has a place to call home?! And what the hell was done for me that was so damn great? I know I can take better care of my son than anyone else because of all the mistakes I was fucking able to learn from, and I will never, EVER put him through those things.

Loco

Ok so it's like the weirdest thing ever. There have been like, three seperate occasions in the past week where I have really had baby fever. I can't figure this out because up until the past week I have been hard core "no more." I tend to sit and analyze why I could possibly even be thinking about this, and I have yet to figure it out. It's not something I want NOW, I'm completely aware of that... just something that I actually think I want in general. I'm having such a hard time with just one right now! Not that there is any problem at all with him, it's just hard doing it all by myself, I would give anything for a little help from his daddy at this point! I'm pretty aware it's not going to happen though, and my expectations are rational.

Yeah so that's really all I had to get off my mind.

:)

It's Been Awhile

It doesn't really seem like it's been almost, what, four months since I've blogged here? In a sense it's not a long time, but in another sense it's a very long time! My life has changed so drastically since the last time I've blogged, it's unreal.

I am still, however, just as confused as I was four months ago, six months ago, ten months ago, whatever! It's like I'm in this permanent state of confusion, because it seems that I just don't have a clue what I want. I mean I know I want HAPPINESS, if nothing else, but how exactly to obtain that happiness has became quite the mystery for me. I am constantly finding myself re-evaluating every single thing I do, thought I have, step I take, anything. I'm so afraid of not making the right choices that I stress myself out over it. I do know that, at any given time, I feel like I'm doing the best thing for myself and my son, but I still worry too much. It's hard because sometimes it feels like I have no one to believe in me, and I wonder when that happened. I realize that I have several, several amazing friends, and I don't have a clue where I would be without them. Every single one of them has so much significance on different areas of my life, it's unreal.

I'm learning that it's the small things that matter most in life. I'm trying very, very hard to change the type of person I am. Not for anybody, but me. I personally feel that I'm a completely different person than I was, even, six months ago. I always try to put others first, to have more patience, and to respect differences in opinions. I'm a very strong believer in Karma, and continually try to do good for the ones I love, even if I don't have the resources to do so.

One thing that I struggle to find a good balance with is my sense of humor I guess you could say. My outlook on things, and the way I handle situations in general. I love to pick on people who I care about, it's one of the strongest signs of affection I have. I always try to joke and have fun, but I never, EVER say anything with intentions of hurting someone. It's really hard for me when someone tells me I've hurt someone else's feelings by making jokes or anything along those lines. It makes me think that sometimes I take things too far, though I never mean to. And sometimes I wonder if I hurt them because of what I said, or if maybe they were just having an emotional day like I sometimes have. Because believe me, when my emotions are out of whack, I can't take a joke to save my life. All of this makes it hard for me to figure out what's crossing the line, because the line never seems to be the same.

I feel like I've done more growing up in just the past few weeks of my life than I have in a long time. I feel like I'm making ALL the right choices for the best interest of my son. I'm doing what I can to pursue a CAREER, instead of just a job. I'm working hard and doing whatever it takes to make sure he is always happy and slowly to get us in our own place. This, in itself, is scary because I've never lived alone, well, without someone older than a toddler, and the nights are going to be... ugh. All of that aside, the harder I work for it, the more someone very close to me bashes everything I feel proud of right down. It's so hard to stay positive and confident right now. I feel like I've been so strong for so long, through everything I've been through, but I'm so close to being on the verge of breaking, it's scary. I can feel it. I'm trying to do everything I can to prevent it, but sometimes it just seems unobtainable.

I also wonder if I will ever find someone who I feel like is my match, who is here for me. I am not in any way saying I want to rush into any kind of relationship. Being single for the first time in over four years is something I plan to let marinate for a bit longer. But I look around me and see so many happy couples, just, a happiness and love so strong it makes me unbelievably envious. In the back of my mind I tell myself that I might have it some day, just maybe. But I've never felt it, I don't even know what it would be like. I've loved, and I loved VERY deeply, but never an over the top type thing. Never the type of thing I see around me every single day. And people tell me all the time, "Oh, you'll meet him". But what if I don't?! WHAT IF I DON'T. Because I also see people everyday who haven't met their someone special. People who are forty, fifty years old and still hoping. And I just really... am so afraid that will be me.

I really try not to focus on the negatives in my life, but sometimes they just come at me so strong, it's overwhelming. I know I'll be "ok". But you know, for once, I just really want better than "ok".

¡feliz cinco de mayo!

Hola... Yet another blog from my phone, because like i stated in my blog yesterday, i hate charter. They were supposed to be here yesterday between one and five, and finally at eight thirty last night we called them. Oh, they're not going to be able to make it out tonight ma'am. You think? So now i have to wait until Tuesday which makes me like so mad because we all know I'm dying without my internet! I mean, I set this whole blogger account up from my phone so I'm still not even sure how well my selected layout looks! Whatever. All I know is I've seen the same eight episodes of Oobi on this recorded tape we have like fifty times in the past week. As a matter of fact I'm watching it right now and my son is in the bed, so what does that tell you? Yeah, I'm cool, I know. I'm exhausted, this no day off thing is really starting to wear on me. I'm thinking possibly Monday off, but we'll see. I will probably end up working it anyway! Wellll I believe I'm off to bed, at ten thirty, like the cool kid I am.

FYI

I hate Charter. The end.

That's Me In The Corner

So here I am, losing my blogspot virginity! The crazy thing is that I'm losing over my phone due to a current lack of internet connection. One more week and i get my internet back, but the bottom line is I'm now desperate enough to try to write a blog from the keypad of my phone. This means, of course, you will have to forgive any typos or misspelled words or any other things that just don't make any sense at all. i also have no way of simply hitting enter or return, so this will be one long paragraph. I think. I also think that nobody will ever read this blog, but that's ok with me. Writing this blog is currently keeping me from having to pay attention to the fifth episode of Blue's Clue's in a row. I think I am done for now however, because I have a bad feeling this will end up not posting since it's from my phone. We'll see!